necia_phoenix | bouncing internet

Ok so I have a bouncy internet. I'm writing this up hoping against hope that I'll be able to get it to post.

Ok so I am editing and trying to tighten things up. I thought I would share here.

So this is the first two paragraphs, raw from nano. (with a spellcheck)

The village of the Earth Clan was, in Dana's opinion, too large for the number of people who were inhabiting it. There were several old stone huts with palm frond-thatch rooves that were empty. A testament to a time when there were more people in the tribe. She was sitting on a log which was laid in front of the hut she'd been given on her arrival here, watching her two small cousins play with several other children with small wooden carved animals in the dirt.

Auda, who was barely two summers old, and Tebo who was almost six summers, stood out amongst the dark haired and dark tanned children of the tribe. Like her, Auda and Tebo were some of the last of the Fire clan, their bright reddish gold hair and pale skin (which simply would not tan but burn if Dana wasn't careful) brought many an odd look from the adults though the children didn't seem to notice at all. Dana pushed a stray curl back from her face. Her own hair, a deep red, seemed more of a distraction to her adopted tribe, than a disadvantage. Although the warriors steered clear of her.

It is slow, clunky and....yuck.

This is after edit pass 1:

Dana sat in front of a small hut absently tugging at an auburn curl watching her young cousins play in the dirt with some of the other children of the Earth Clan. She propped her elbows on her knees, trying not to notice the slight sunburn on her arm. It was not fair. The Earth Clan never worried nor spoke of sunburns, but she, her sister and brother and her cousins were the last of the Fire Clan; pale and red-haired. And they burned. Easily.

Auda, still a baby, and Tebo who barely held six summers, clung to the shadows to keep the bright sun off of them. Back home, Dana swallowed, there were large wide leafed plants which acted as shade to the clan. Not so here, with the empty huts and wide walkways between them, just walking from the hut to the spring for water resulted in a sunburn. Dana pushed her hair back and scooted to one side, to the shade.

It isn't perfect but I think it is better. It still needs some work.

But I think I am getting the hang of this editing thing. I was planning on getting some words in for bp but I don't think I will. I am muy tired.

goodnight lj.